FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY: begin

5minutefriday

Every ending is a new beginning. These past 15-17 months have seen a lot of endings and beginnings.

I ended my carefree single days but began a partnership with the love of my life.

I ended my time in the little apartment I grew into a home–first with my BBF then all by myself–and began converting the little riverfront bachelor pad into a newlywed nest…which quickly ended in disaster.

My mother’s earthly time was abruptly ended followed by her glorious welcome to the afterlife where she is our personal guardian angel. It is this ending and beginning which is the most difficult to understand and accept. In the 6 months since she’s left us, not a single day goes by without some vivid reminder of her. Sometimes it is a whiff of the lotion she always used. Other times it is a glimpse of  a new movie I know she would have loved. But most often it is the times when I am I reach for the phone. She was the first phone call I made EVERY SINGLE day as I left work.

-What are you making for dinner?

-Want to swing by Kohl’s?

-I’m stopping for a coffee. Want one?

Simple questions I would ask. Simple answers would follow. She was always up for Kohl’s or coffee. She was usually making something with noodles and sauce. I miss these conversations which were recordings of themselves. They came to an end without a clear new beginning for me.

I still have coffee with my mom at least once a week. I talk to her about my new beginnings and what had to end to start them. She’s not much for giving advice these days. But sometimes, if I listen really carefully, I can hear her pointing me in the right direction.

 

I am participating in FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY.  Today’s word is:  begin

The rules are simple. Write for five minutes flat. There is no extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation. It is unscripted. Unedited. Real.

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FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY: bloom

The beautiful daffodils that bloomed just days after the flood.

The beautiful daffodils that bloomed just days after the flood.

After the terrible flood that changed the course of my life and marriage, I never thought I would see the rainbow.  We spent days along with family and friends shoveling out our home.  Each visit back to the house brought heartache, anger, and anxiety.  Nothing was the same.  Nothing would ever be the same.

 

A few visits into the disaster, I was trying to clean up the trash in the backyard.  You wouldn’t believe what can travel by water:  semi truck tires, garbage cans, coolers, trash, logs, parts of decks…the list is endless.  I wandered over the the tiered garden I had so many big plans for that spring.  Then I saw it.

BLOOM

Amidst all the flood debris was the sign we had been needing:  beautiful yellow daffodils.  I do not remember them ever being there in the 4 years I had known my husband and that house.  This was the sign that it may take some time but everything would be OK.

 

5minutefriday

 

 

I am participating in FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY.  Today’s word is:  bloom

The rules are simple. Write for five minutes flat. There is no extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation. It is unscripted. Unedited. Real.

FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY: exhale

5minutefriday

Sometimes, when the feelings start to creep in, you need to take a deep breath.

EXHALE

Let the negativity go and cleanse your soul. You are not the only one who has ever felt anger, sadness, this…whatever it is that cannot be named…

EXHALE

Let the light in. Let the joy in. Let those nearest surround you with love. Share in their happiness and let go.

EXHALE

Feel the warmth on your face. Feel the glow of the sunshine. Feel the song of nature.

EXHALE

This, too, shall pass.

EXHALE

 

I am participating in FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY.  Today’s word is:  exhale

The rules are simple. Write for five minutes flat. There is no extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation. It is unscripted. Unedited. Real.

FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY: release

5minutefriday

I release my feeling of sadness.  I will no longer feel weighed down by my losses.  I will rejoice in celebration of love and life and memories.

I release my feeling of guilt.  I will no longer feel the pull of I should have or I could have.  I will embrace that these thoughts have no place in my life.

I release my thoughts of entitlement.  No one owes me a better life.  I am responsible for making my life what I want it to be.

I release my thoughts of inadequacy.  I do not need to be perfect.  My flaws are what make me unique.

In releasing these thoughts and feelings I will be my best self.

 

I am participating in FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY.  Today’s word is:  release.

The rules are simple. Write for five minutes flat. There is no extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation. It is unscripted. Unedited. Real.

FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY: hands

5minutefridayWhen strangers first meet they shake hands–an affirmation that the meeting is welcome. When we are in the midst of our final goodbyes, we hold hands to comfort our souls.

It seems that hands are always seeking me out. My husband’s hand on the small of my back as we stroll into a room, a student’s hand creeping into mine as we walk in the hall, a tiny paw on my lap as I read my book. They are little reminders that I am not alone. Someone is there guiding, imploring, recognizing all along the way.

The most welcomed of these hands is the one that brushes hair from my eyes in the early morning light as he plants a quiet kiss on my forehead when leaving for work…a reminder that I am loved. When I groggily forget this morning ritual, succumbed to sleep, my day is wrong. I miss the touch that tells me I am safe, I am loved, I am a part of something bigger than myself. I send a text double checking that our silent goodbye really happened. I am always reassured that it has.

And when I do remember those quiet moments before drifting back to sleep, I always have a small smile on my face. For I am not alone…I am loved by somebody special.

 

I am participating in FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY.  Today’s word is:  hands.

The rules are simple. Write for five minutes flat. There is no extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation. It is unscripted. Unedited. Real.

FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY: nothing

5minutefriday

I want nothing more than just a little extra time. I want nothing more than to hear her voice and see her smile. NOTHING.

Have I forgotten her voice already? I double check my phone for a video I know is buried somewhere in the depths of the photos icon. It is of her all hopped up on drugs talking about good fat food and buying us all some great boots. There…now it is not nothing. It is something. It is a piece of her.

It is her voice.

It is home.

I miss her.

I cry hidden sad tears when I realize it’s been so long…4 months…really? Four months without her seems like forever. Really it is nothing in the grand scheme of time. But this nothing is something.

Someday it won’t hurt so badly. Someday it will feel a bit more normal. But not today. Today nothing is everything and everything hurts.

 

I am participating in FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY.  Today’s word is:  nothing.

The rules are simple. Write for five minutes flat. There is no extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation. It is unscripted. Unedited. Real.