Who wants to hear a funny story? 🙋🏻‍♀️ I mean…the world is 💩 so who doesn’t is probably the better question.

I was trimming my bangs this morning, as you do when you can’t fit in a proper haircut. I then went off to work without a care in the world. About 20 minutes into my drive, my eye really started bothering me—like needles were being stuck into it. Lots of rubbing and a couple of eye flushes later and it was just worse. I couldn’t see anything. I called the eye doc and got in right away. Apparently one of those teeny tiny trimmed bang hairs got lodged in my upper punctum.

Now, you may be wondering, as I did, what the upper punctum actually is. You know that microscopic hole in the inner bottom eye lid most call a tear duct. That’s your lower punctum. The upper punctum is even tinier. And against all odds…and gravity…a hair had perfectly maneuvered into it.

The eye doctor said it had a 1 in a 1,000,000 shot of happening. Most doctors go their entire career never seeing this rare thing. There isn’t even a billing code for it. But you know what there is a billing code for? Getting your eye pecked by a chicken…both provoked and unprovoked. There are two different billing codes for a chick peck to the eyeball. But no code for removing a foreign object from the punctum. You know it must be rare it the insurance companies haven’t figured out a way to bill you for it.

I have cold eye drops I need to use for a few days. Plus, I get to wear this fashionable eye patch. The problem is that apparently a flat patch is impossible to find. I cannot wear my glasses with the pointy patch the doc gave me and every Walgreens and CVS has available for purchase. Therefore I cannot see. I will be doing the next best thing recommended by my doctor—dousing my eyes with the cold eye drops, working in a dark room, and wearing my sun glasses when the lights are on.

Moral of the story? Leave the hair cuts to the professionals.

I promise this is not a joke.