Written a couple weeks ago. I had to sit on this one for a bit.

Some days, life seems to be going fine. Nothing is particularly good or bad. Your coffee does its job and dinner satisfies your hunger. Your day is not particularly remarkable. But at the end of it, you have no complaints.

Other times, life seems to be going great! The shower temp is just right. Your coffee is brewed perfectly. You catch every red light. The day flies by and you’re home again with your little family.

That was today for me. Work was great. I worked with some students, cleared out my inbox. I even remembered to pack a lunch. And eat it instead of grabbing something through the drive-thru. I was chugging along happy to be making good time home from work. My book was holding my interest as I listened. I made my stops and got home to make pancakes & sausage for dinner before it was too late. I was greeted with kid giggles and big shouts of MAMA as I walked in the door.

Then a text changed it all. A sucker punch to the gut that would turn even the most amazing of days to shit. And as I sit here writing and trying to put it all out of my mind until I can really take it all in, I am listening to the sounds of my boys playing. They climb my limbs like a jungle gym as I balance my phone in my hand. And I don’t know how these two moments can exist in the same space.

And yet they do. Trying to untangle that is complex. And daunting. And scary. Damnit. Why? I want to hug them all but privacy is requested and that will be honored. I feel useless. I’m praying. And hoping. And praying some more.