I have a dirty little secret. Everyone thinks I have it all together. They think I’m organized and responsible and dependable. It’s a sham. A rouse. A flat out lie. If you know me you are thinking this can’t be true. But you don’t live with me. Or you haven’t lived with me in the past. Old roommates and family can attest to this side of me.
I can give the surface a good shine. Make it appear like I have it all under control. But the truth is, it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m a people please by nature. So if seeming together pleases YOU, I’ll make it appear so. I’ll do this even if it doesn’t serve me. Sometimes I’ll do it at the extreme detriment of myself.
I’ll agonize over the graphs, tables and margins in a report to make it appear as the most thorough thing you’ve ever seen. meanwhile, I will haven’t had a glass of water or peed all day. I’ll skipped lunch, forgot to empty the dishwasher, and let my desk become a garbage dump to make sure I don’t mess an arbitrary deadline that makes me look like a superhero to someone else. I have a lovely calendar digitally displayed near our front door so that everyone entering and oooh and ahhh over the organization of it all. However, I consistently arrive 20 minutes or even a day late for my chiropractor appointments. My medicines are all arranged a neat pill box. Alarms ring on my phone to alert myself and those around me to take my meds and vitamins. Meanwhile, they sit there collecting dust because I turn off the alarm and walk away. It won’t even occur to me that I haven’t taken my meds until I’m sitting down at dinner wondering my my allergy medication is not working.
Note to self: you must take your allergy medicine for said medicine to work.
After researching this time blindness, hyper-fixation, in ability to follow through, I self diagnosed my issues as ADHD. I was a classical a high functioning, successful woman with ADHD and no one would be able to convince me otherwise. As I started to mention it to people, even those who are immersed in the world of disabilities, they thought this couldn’t be further from the truth. I started seeing the signs of this
possible probable ADHD once the pandemic hit. I was no longer able to rely on the many systems I had put into place to mask my inability to organize or remember a damn thing. I was falling apart. And even the facade was starting to crack. I bit the bullet and made an appointment with a doctor look into an official diagnosis so that a treatment plan could be outlined.
Guess what. After completing a battery of tests that left me with a migraine, it turns out I just have your run of the mill depression probably exacerbated by a world literally falling apart around us oh. And some pretty significant anxiety.
What’s the treatment plan?
I’ve been working on listening to my body. I am resting because I am deserving of rest and not because I’ve completed a never ending list of tasks. I’m letting go of the facade and working on the systems underneath so it hopefully won’t even be necessary anymore. I’m taking time to drink more water and get fresh air. I’m routinely pushing away from my desk to rest my eyes and stretch my legs with a lap around the school campus. I’m *attempting* to limit my caffeine so I’m not always on edge. That’s a tough one. I’m reading again.
Taking time to address my needs has made me a better wife, parent, friend and employee. I highly recommend you try it, too.