This started out as a FB post. Clearly I had so much more to say.
Tonight was night one of McKenna being in the top bunk. She was in and out of her bed and room at least a dozen times. She’s a creature of habit and this change is big for her. The final time she crawled into bed with me and started sobbing.
She wants her old life back. She wants her old bed (queen size with the yellow flowers and butterflies that she picked out with Great Grandma). She doesn’t want George to sleep in her room. She wants her privacy.
Then she took a deep breath and said it.
She doesn’t want the baby to come.
She wants me to wish for the baby to go back to heaven.
And she’s not sure why I wished for another baby in the first place.
Two babies were enough.
All these changes at once are happening on top of having her school, friends, extended family and routines pulled away from her when she needs all of that the most. My heart is breaking for this child. She was a bawling wreck in my arms. I comforted her and told her a story.
I told her when I found out George was coming I was super scared. Because when I became a mom, my heart filled up to the top with my love for her. I was worried that to make room for George, I would have to love her a little less. But then God have me a very special gift that He gives to all moms. My heart didn’t have to make room for George because it just grew so I could love them both without loving her any less. And when this baby comes, my heart, and hers, would grow again to fit the new baby. No one has to lose any love because love has no limits. And although things are changing, that’s not always a bad thing.
She thought about it and told me that we had a beautiful shiny life. But with the baby coming, it is getting all dirty and yucky and just falling away. A new life was on top of our old one and maybe that could be beautiful and shiny someday. But right now it just wasn’t. Yet.
AND…the top bunk was too high and she needed to be on the floor.
Deep thoughts with a simple solution.
So we pulled off George’s blanket since he’s sleeping in his crib until her transition is complete. She climbed into the bottom bunk feeling better to have told me of her fears. We made a plan to try to find a way to make her…and George…feel safe sleeping in the same room NOT in bunk beds. We made a promise that she would tell me about her big feelings, scary or not, so that I could help her find a way to make them not so big anymore.
And as I lie in my own bed, I tried to recall the many times my own mom brought home a new baby. I don’t really remember the feelings I felt. I don’t really remember when there wasn’t a small gaggle of us. I cannot put myself in her shoes. Clearly she is scared and angry and uncertain. She needs reassurance and a little bit of normalcy in a highly abnormal time.
So tomorrow we will unbunk the beds. Her doll house will need to find a new home as will her baby doll cradle. We will need to take down a shelf and move some furniture. All this after we just did it all to make room for the bunks. But I would do anything for this child to feel a little more secure. And if we need to rearrange that room 10 times tomorrow, we will do it.
And after all that, she is finally peacefully sleeping.