It was nice to have no obligations this weekend. I enjoyed making meals for my family even though it is going to start feeling like an episode of Chopped in a week every time I try to prepare something.
But I’m starting to feel disconnected.
I lived by myself for a few years in between my roommate moving in with her now husband and getting married myself. I could go days and days in the summer without talking to or even seeing a soul. It never bothered me. Ever.
And yet here I am just 9 days into moving my little family into our own bio-dome and I am starting to climb the walls. We’ve FaceTimed with Papa and aunts and uncles. We have walked through our neighborhood. I’ve talked in the phone and texted people I had long since lost touch with.
And yet I feel alone.
I shouldn’t have done it. But I did. I went for a drive. I needed to see the sky and feel some fresh air. The recycled air in my home was stale and I was starting to feel it. When I was in the basement helping to clean up for the bazillionth time, I noticed a bag of Christmas gifts that had never been delivered.
We kept saying we were going to get together. Then we had our 7 weeks of on again, off again, on yet again illness. Then they did.
Sharing is caring. Except for germs.
So we postponed and postponed. We joked about celebrating Christmas with a July BBQ. But now that very real possibility was staring me in the face.
So I did it. I texted and said I was making the drive to toss the gifts onto the porch. During these days and weeks ahead in our homes, the kiddos are going to quickly tired of their old toys and I was sure my youngest godson would love the new variety. My bestie readily agreed and reminded me that some fresh air would surely lift my spirits.
And it did for a while. Until I tried to get a coffee treat. Starbucks was closed. Then I noticed that Kohl’s was closed. I was NOT planning on going to Kohl’s, but that kind of freaked me out. If Kohl’s is closed and not having its biggest sale of the year (until the next weekend) then things must be REALLY bad.
Maybe it is just this Starbucks. But the next two were closed, too. So I made the drive while chatting on the phone…hands free of course…and arrived in record time. No traffic makes for a quick commute. No coffee consumed along the way.
Christmas gifts for my two kiddos were quickly exchanged for gifts for her little man. We said a very brief hello through the screen door from approximately 10 feet away and I was off.
The kids loved their new toys. They kept them busy all afternoon and for that I was grateful.
But did my car ride do anything to lift my spirits?
I think so.
But the bigger question is did I feel more connected?
If anything I feel less connected. When had I EVER gone to my BFF’s house and had not flopped in her couch for at least 10 minutes to shoot the shit? At least share a
glass of wine cup of coffee? Never. That’s when. Even when making porch exchanges in the past, I would wave to her dog and make a fool of myself. Not today. All business.
Hurry! Get back in the car before you get caught.
I drove home listening to a podcast not suitable for children’s ears. I lazily checked the mailbox even though it was Sunday. And I prayed for a time when I would soon be out of my home and able to hug or high-five anyone I damn well pleased.
I am writing for the 2020 Slice of Life Challenge.
Having our normal routines upended is disconcerting. I’m glad that you found the bag of Christmas presents. It must have been a huge treat for the kids to get them now.
Hang in there.
It was a nice treat. I just wish some could have celebrated instead of just porch swapped.
Every bit of this post feels so familiar. While it’s nice to get out and see the world (the walls do start to close in, don’t they?), there’s something completely disorienting about seeing businesses you know and love dark and empty. Your line about Kohl’s made me laugh out loud–so true!
Kohl’s shook me. I feel like it’s the place that will always push through.
I’m so glad you wrote this because we are going to forget how this all felt (I hope!) But, it will be good to look back on the differences and the reflections we had because of it all! Tonight my daughter’s friend drove by, texted her that she was here, but only to drop off a gift on the porch. She put the gift down, sprayed it with lysol yelled goodbye from the middle of the yard and left! It was sweet and sad all at the same time.
I pray these will soon be distant memories.